Apparently you make a good broom.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
