I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
