so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
