walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
