Moan for me like Helen Keller
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
