he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I need to stop coming to work sober
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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