all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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