I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
