i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How's work?
Spinning.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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