i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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