I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
