Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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