Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
