I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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