Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It's shark week go big or go home
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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