i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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