I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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