i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
