You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
