1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
