you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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