Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
