Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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