I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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