they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
