3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
