god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
