I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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