I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
