Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
