Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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