but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize