You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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