Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize