blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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