3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
