Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize