She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
