there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
