i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
