I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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