I will die if light touches me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
