if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
