just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I intend to get homeless drunk
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
