omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
