I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
