Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
