i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
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