We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
