I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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