Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
