It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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